They are calling me again. These puzzles of optimization, of organization, of alignment are luring me like a siren song and I am feeling compelled to dive in and bring everyone along. One next step after another, anticipating the questions, the options, the resistance…the possibilities for progress. Oh, how I crave to see them all to resolution.
But, really, why the temptation to take on additional responsibilities when I could carry on as I am, comfortably, as an individual contributor? Why would I knowing it’s a diversion from my own path take on directing that of others? Why risk getting caught again in the nervous energy, the messy conversations, the weighty obligations? I want to understand the allure. I need to understand if for no other reason than to strengthen my own resolutions.
The work itself is honest enough, the objectives worthwhile. I have done all of this before and I am confident I can do it again. It would be simpler to stay my course so what would drive me to answer the call and chance delaying my dreams? Is it vanity, benevolence, ambition, power, money, stability, the challenge, insecurity, curiosity…or is it more innate? I don’t know and that has me unsettled and vulnerable to impulse.
I may not be able to pinpoint what’s attracting me to this opportunity but I am certainly aware of the risks. All the reasons why I removed myself from the business still remain. They say a catalyst is not consumed by the reaction it generates but may be instead effected by the secondary reactions. That’s exactly the role I have played before and can see ahead. It’s inherent in the nature of conflict resolution and forging group transformations. I can solve the puzzles in my sleep but it’s the energy I have to exert to manage all the side effects of the transformation that will ultimately consume me.
Maybe I am holding out hope and an aspiration that this time around with new variables and a new me the outcomes will be different, better, optimized. Maybe that is the only reason I need to answer the call.
Sympathique —Pink Martini