During a particularly crazed phase of work and the subsequent happy hours of drinking my cares away, I remember a good friend telling me to “let random in.” It sounded amusing but I was too busy and focused for all that at the time.
Meetings already planned, conversations plotted, presentations packaged, decisions to influence, events to set in motion. There was work to be done. Get things moving and if you could manage it, preferably, in a straight line. If you were really on it, you could keep it headed towards an objective. All that energy directed to create and shape momentum into productivity and exponentially more into progress had it’s own magnetism.
Efficiency was my game, control my poison, deliberative my super strength, and people, well, they were just themselves. Random was disruptive and an antithesis, but still calculated and expected.
I was addicted to work and all its puzzles. I can say that now without reserve. I would say it then too though smirking, half yielding, half doubtful. Eventually and thankfully, the game slowed and I finally called it. Being stubborn and loyal, it took nearly a year to accept this was the balance of this work, give or take a few accomplishments or unexplored dimensions. I could not move the system to any more progress without it taking all of me and to a side darker than necessary. Once I could feel the curves of the wall, it was easy to let it all go. It was the logical and only play left. Exerting influence had become counterproductive.
I am too human to cope with all random, all the time and too wanting to allow all things to come and go as chance may fancy. I am a dreamer of ecosystems, balanced, correlated, at equilibrium to an end. An optimizer. I know this. I have practiced it. This time, I am designing the dream, the balance of it simply a vision floating at sea but where I must abdicate control over the space between.
Let random in. Let this be my evolution.